12.02.2011 was the date. And that day was crazy, busy, high-stress and altogether memorable.
I do not remember many things so that is sayin’ something.
For starters, David signed a contract to start a new job with an awesome company. Not scary, but change always brings about some stress. He loves consistency so feeling him respond although confidently in our decision to move forward with the job change, he was a little uneasy.
Then work. Work = crazy. I love my job and still love what I do, but this past Friday was crazy busy, which is never a bad thing. Some days when it feels like I am spinning many plates can me feel a bit stressed.
By mid-afternoon I was navigating through the day alright and then I got the call. We have been accepted into the Ethiopian Program! The lady who spoke with me was so kind and so helpful. She talked me through the email she sent and let me the know the next steps in our adoption process. She threw out some numbers and told me about the long list of attachments within the email that is now our top priority in order to put us in the program along with the initial fee. Not that the dollar amount was anything less than I expected, I just hit the mark for the day. Overwhelmed.
Work was ending and David was gone for the evening. My mind and heart was going 100 miles an hour and I did not really want to hang out with myself, so I headed to my parents for dinner. On the way, I was praying and confessing my anxiety and worry to the Lord. It really did feel like I just consumed 2 gallons of coffee as my heart fluttered in slight panic mode. Not okay. By the time I had arrived I had spent a good 20 minutes talking with Jesus in the car and was feeling somewhat better. I was continually reminded that nothing lasts, not David, not this baby, not the agency, not my job, not his job, not our money or house, not my health, etc. Nothing. All could be taken tomorrow. The point of the matter is that all things were created for God and by God and all I have is His and from Him. Nothing have I earned. Nothing is mine. So why am I worrying as if any of these things bring me security? Or worse, hope?
While visiting my sister, Kelsie called and before I shared with her the exciting news about our acceptance I wanted to catch up with her a bit asking her how her last day of student teaching was in Newport. I believe she was teaching kindergarteners or 1st graders and for her last day she bought them all a small pack of crayons, a coloring book and a book to read. She told me that one little girl said it was the best day of her life. Another little boy was so happy and he told her that he has never be given so many gifts before. I was in tears. These are kids from urban settings and there are a few where the school does not even know where they live.
Ugh, it kills me.
But once she told me about these two kids and their reactions to such simple things I was immediately reminded of one of the last scenes in Schindler’s List where Schindler is regretfully seeing all of his things and how he could have gotten more people out.
This brought much conviction to me as I was so stressed and overwhelmed with not just the day, but with all the fees that we will need to pay in the next few weeks towards the Ethiopian fee and home study fee. We are unable to even apply for grants until our home study is completed so this will need to come from us. Not to make light or be flippant about all the Oskar Schindler did, the lives he saved and the emotions felt during that scene in the movie depicting a real-life story I felt in his shoes. I doubt I would ever look back after this is all said and done and think ‘I wish we didn’t spend that kind of money in order to bring a child into a home, with parents, and food and education (and books and crayons and coloring books)’.
In fact, I will probably look back and think why didn’t we do more?
God harshly reminded me that all things are His. All things are for Him and given to us by Him – why would He not provide and how could I hold on to these ‘things’ that will burn as if they were mine. As if I had earned them. As if in comparison to a giving a fatherless child a life where Godly things are present, parents are had and a home is provided for is not worth the money. I had much confession. But the Lord is so faithful – my stress has decreased and God is stretching and growing me. I need much help in trusting, I thought I was good at it. HA! :) He is kind enough not to leave me where I thought I was ‘good’ in order to make me ‘better’ a.k.a. more like Jesus Christ.
There is much work to be done.